I could still remember the day when I first lay my gaze on her. I could still remember the moment when I stole a peek on her nameplate just to know her name. I could still remember when the first time she asked me to treat her for a snack, where for the first time I also agreed. I could still remember the exam where she copied from me just so she can make it for the next semester. I could still remember my first Cinema experience with her, where we also miss our final exam. And I could still remember the very moment when I bestow her a nickname that only I addresses.
Her name is Marz.
And she's the woman I love.
Before I met her, I was a cold man who doesn't believe in romance. Someone who thinks that love is just a childish thing, an illusion, a mere make believe.
And then she came and proved me wrong.
She feed my heart with the belief of destiny, of everlasting love, of the love that conquers all. She make me believe that eternal loves that can only be seen in movies, or can only be read on books, or will only exist in fantasy can become a reality.
"Everyone deserves to be loved, even you."
That's what she said to me, and until now I still hold on, on that belief.
Oct. 27, 2009.
We were watching a Romance Movie, when she asked me this question;
"Do you believe in romance just like in that movie?" she asked.
"No," I said bluntly.
Her cute face frowned at me, "Why?"
"Because it's surreal, it's hard to believe, it's ridiculous, and I don't think that there is a person who will be that crazy enough to go through those nightmarish hardships just for a woman."
"So you don't like the movie?"
"Then why did you agree to watch it with me?"
" I trailed off. I was muted and had completely gone speechless.
I realize on that very moment that the answer to her question was because
was because she was with me. And sooner, as my life goes on with her, I comprehended that I was already feeling those things that I believed to be ridiculous. That I was actually starting to believe that there is destiny, and true and everlasting love.
But how can I tell her, she was my best friend. If I broke the barriers, I'm risking everything that we established as friends, and I might lose her.
Our life goes on where I continuously pretend that everything is still the same, when in reality I was already seeing things differently, that the world that I once view as a wasteland is now a field of roses, all because she's a part of it.
But fear is a great hindrance to happiness. When I started to love, I also started to cultivate fear. Fear that aid me to keep her as a friend, but also hinders me of becoming something more.
I love her.
That's what I feel. That's all I know.
A make believe, a fantasy that she turns into a reality. A reality that we can never share together as long as I am consumed by the dread of losing her.
But things can't remain like that forever. I cannot leave footprints in the sand if I walked in tiptoe.
I must act, I must move, I must take the risks.
Or else it will get us nowhere.
I don't want to end up living my life where every night as I lay in my bed, I will repetitively ask myself the single question of "What if?" over and over again.
So little by little, I started breaking the barriers. That even though not by words, I'd make her feel that she's special, that's she's more than a friend to me.
And little by little, she feel it too, she accepted it. Slowly, step by step, we inched nearer to that relationship where we should be standing.
But the fate that brought her to me, the fate that brought us together, and the belief in destiny that makes me realize how much I love her, also took her away.
She was forced to leave. She must move elsewhere, somewhere oceans apart from me.
I was totally devastated. Why does such cruel thing must happen in the most perfect moment and opportunity? We are almost there, and then it sets us apart.
I almost lost all my hopes when she left and I was started to be consumed by the coldness again. One by one, the beautiful beliefs that she engraved in me began to shatter. And I was in the darkness again.
But my love for her conquers that hopelessness. I might be back in ground zero but it doesn't mean that I am defeated.
Inch by inch, step by step once again, I reestablish everything though we're oceans apart. If I truly love her, my heart can reach her.
And I wasn't wrong.
Every time that I call her, every moment that we talk, all that we can say and hear is how much we miss each other. That if we're together again, we will bring back the old times.
Just hold on
Fate still has something at store for us.
That somewhere, someday, there is going to be a right time for me and her to be together.
A right place and a right moment, where nothing and no one can set us apart again.
But until then,